happening again

so i feel like shit. i will type. kinda.

I had a dream the other day and amsel showed up. It's the first dream i remember where she appeared. She had nothing to do with the main part of the dream, except she was there to comfort me. I was being ignored and she appeared out of nowhere. I knew she was still dead, that this wasnt real, but i was so happy to see her. I buried my face in her fur and stroked her fur. It felt so good to hug her again... I woke up then. cried because i remembered. she felt so real in my dream, it was a little like losing her again. I hope that i dream about her again. I hope that i will have other chances in the future to at least fake my mind in to having her again. its pathetic.

in other news, things are now going to shit with gary. This is not a surprise. after the school semester, we both went back to our own towns, which are about two hours away. Now long-distance relationships are never easy for anyone. They are pretty much one of the hardest things two people can go through. But i, stupidly, thought things would be different. but it isnt. He's pulling away, blithly throwing himself into any semblence of a relationship (not even with anyone who's physically closer) and essentially blaming me. not with words, but inactivity. i think i overestimate people. I think i overestimate my ability to keep things. i think i overestimate the level of interest this post can provoke in people that it does not directly involve.

tomorrow i leave for vacation. to drive for seven hours to some stupid lake in new york. i feel angry, sad, and bored without reason. I want to pick a fight and throw my phone at the wall. instead, im going to go fold laundry and feel nothing but sorry for myself. I might also drink and by that, i mean i will drink.

sorry chelsea, your vanilla vodka is no longer available.