happening again

so i feel like shit. i will type. kinda.

I had a dream the other day and amsel showed up. It's the first dream i remember where she appeared. She had nothing to do with the main part of the dream, except she was there to comfort me. I was being ignored and she appeared out of nowhere. I knew she was still dead, that this wasnt real, but i was so happy to see her. I buried my face in her fur and stroked her fur. It felt so good to hug her again... I woke up then. cried because i remembered. she felt so real in my dream, it was a little like losing her again. I hope that i dream about her again. I hope that i will have other chances in the future to at least fake my mind in to having her again. its pathetic.

in other news, things are now going to shit with gary. This is not a surprise. after the school semester, we both went back to our own towns, which are about two hours away. Now long-distance relationships are never easy for anyone. They are pretty much one of the hardest things two people can go through. But i, stupidly, thought things would be different. but it isnt. He's pulling away, blithly throwing himself into any semblence of a relationship (not even with anyone who's physically closer) and essentially blaming me. not with words, but inactivity. i think i overestimate people. I think i overestimate my ability to keep things. i think i overestimate the level of interest this post can provoke in people that it does not directly involve.

tomorrow i leave for vacation. to drive for seven hours to some stupid lake in new york. i feel angry, sad, and bored without reason. I want to pick a fight and throw my phone at the wall. instead, im going to go fold laundry and feel nothing but sorry for myself. I might also drink and by that, i mean i will drink.

sorry chelsea, your vanilla vodka is no longer available.

very quick, so i dont forget

new dream: beat up a soccer mom at a pool, got disgusting battlewounds. Made ceramics sculptures of a unicorn in a mexican village. Got hit on and almost made out with a 60-something spanish artist. she dug my unicorn.

This has been on my mind lately

Stupid mind, collaborating with stupid body. PLEASE! stop being attracted to people who are not single/have no interest in seeing you naked. I don't like this irrational attraction and I want it to stop, like yesterday.

The wait for when you are not looking

I feel like my rat is refusing to eat his food unless I agree to watch him do it. The entire time. When I look away, he stops and puts the pellet down. When I look at him, nibbles commence. I think maybe he wants me to see all the crumbs he's letting pool in the crotch of my pajama pants.

also, I want to write about this ridiculous dream today. Not for your benefit, because it most certainly won't transfer over well to print. But because I'm selfish and I like to remember cool things like my dreams.

Come to think of it, my sister heard about the dream first hand and she didn't seem too impressed, so maybe it doesn't even transfer well by ear.

Regardless,

An anonymous friend and myself are at some weird hybrid of Hershey Park and Disneyland (actually, I'm guessing about Disneyland, I've never actually been and therefor have no idea what it looks like).

Butall around us it's storming like hell. It's the worst mix of hurricane, thunder/lightening storm, and tornado weather. The sky is completely black and blue with terrible clouds pouring rain and vicious wind. I know all this in detail because somehow my dumb ass friend and I have managed to get ourselves stuck on the roof of a super tall building and there is no way down from it, except this rickety metal staircase that is basically a firescape, clinging exposed to the side of a 20 story building. With 60 mph winds, we are so not going down (are 60 mph winds fast?).

So it's pouring rain upon us and I can tell it's only going to get worse, very soon. We notice a bizarre pavilion-like thing across the roof, it is basically stone pillars with an overhang. We start running in that general direction, but not before I stop us abruptly. Somehow, one part of the roof is completely absent of rain or destruction. Logically, I try to get us to stay there even though there is no apparent cover or reason as to why this patch of roof is safe. Then I look up and notice the 30 ft. tall birch tree looming above like a delicious birch lightening rod. Hell, fucking no thank you. We continue to run towards the pavilion things. Once there, we both pick a separate pillar and cling to it like our lives depend on it, which it does, because soon I start seeing some crazy shit flying in this wind around the top of our building. Not cows, like from the movie Twister, but old people.

Old.

People.

Some in wheelchairs, some with respirators, some in rocking chairs. All flying around calmly toward oblivion. I also vaguely remember seeing scuba divers flying around too, which is when I start thinking "what the fuck...?" but then I see the robots.

These are not the friendly robots, like Rosie. These are like steam-punk Autobots with a Napoleon complex out of Hell. One lands on the roof in front of me, and starts kicking out decorative lights, which is kinda funny. Then about 19 more of these robots arrive, and it stops being funny and starts being terrifying. Because they all have laser cannons for arms. Which are pointed at us. And glowing red..

However, this proves to be an anticlimactic portion of the dream, because instead of blasting us to smithereens, their arm cannons turn out to be like, socket wrenches or some shit. Which they use to dismantle the *stone* pillars my friend and I are crouching behind. Oh, and while they're doing this,

1.the pillars turn out to be freestanding. They are suddenly there for no discernable reason.

and

2. once unattached from the roof, said stone pillars turned in to metal prosthetic legs (?), which the robots fly off with.

There's more to this dream, but it all basically involves a girl who won't let me talk about the ordeal on the roof, also me, looking like April Tuna from the x-tv show Popular, and ruining my red hair just in time for my prom date to show up.

Oh, and while writing that whole load of shit up there, my rat (Paz) cunningly stole all four pieces of rat pellets off my computer desk, sequestered them safely in my crotch pocket, along with some choice crumbs, and then decided to nibble 3...nay 4 holes in my t-shirt.

:(

short

outside I sit smoking a cigarette, reading my magazine instead of the book I brought, and drinking a beer. After my cigarette I go back inside and have to travel back to my room to dispose of the butt. on my way i pass through two rooms and a hallway. The book goes on a tabletop in the sun room, the beer in the counter in the kitchen, bottle cap in to the trash, the magazine on the island; i drop these little bread crumbs until I walk down the hallway and make it to my room to conceal my smoking materials like they're are the equivalent to a crack pipe. Then back down the hallway, through the kitchen, picking up my magazine and beer like I'm finding my way back to grandma's house, before settling down in front of the computer to write this little paragraph.



This is my life.

start.

Well, I've had this blog for only a couple of days; and while im not completely sure what the purpose of it will be I don't want it to go the way of so many journals and girlish diaries. I don't want to start out with the intention of writing and then have it wither and die with apathy. I don't want my abundance of blank pages to become digital. But so far, this is what I have.

I believe this will be a place for the recording of dreams, for rants and stress, definitely for moping posts about how I miss my recently dead dog. Hopefully it will turn in to more, but for now... why push it?